“If I ever ask for another Technic set, shoot me in the ass.”
That’s what I said to my wife about 3/4 of the way through building the LEGO Volvo Concept Wheel Loader ZEUX. Her response?
“Ok!”
As if to say, “Gladly”.
I can’t blame her, this thing had me sequestered for most of a weekend after all.
Let’s back up.
I am a longtime/lifetime LEGO* fanatic, having received my first box of LEGO bricks while recovering from a tonsillectomy at the age of 4. 45 years later and the pull is still as strong as ever. Despite this, I had never attempted to build a kit from the LEGO Technic line. Technic, for those not in the know, has long been the more “advanced” sort of LEGO, focussing on models inspired from the real world and heavy on working parts, like car engines where the pistons and drivetrain actually work. And this was the reason it had never had much interest for me. If I am building with LEGO, chances are, shall we say, high, that I am building a spaceship or a castle. Or maybe a Space Castle.
Or robots. Robots are good too.
Enter the Volvo Concept Wheel Loader ZEUX.
It is, not to put too fine a point on it, a robotic bulldozer. Now, I don’t really give a crap one way or the other about bulldozers, but robotic bulldozers? I’m there!
Or was.
Not anymore.
Fuck bulldozers.
See, no one told me, Technic is hard. I mean, not really, you know? It’s still got a clear, pictorial instruction book that a child could follow. So I guess the takeaway here is I should not be complaining at all, but I am going to anyway. This thing has over 1000 parts, and they are small. And what we normally think of when we think “LEGO” is barely in evidence. Eyeryone knows the basic LEGO brick, right?
Well, in a Technic set, you won’t see that shit. Technic sets are built from these weird struts and tiny connectors along with cogs and gears and bizarre stuff I’d never seen before.
Now, in recent years, main line LEGO has been incorporating a lot of Technic parts, so I was under the impression I was familiar with it. I hope the reader will not be shocked when I say, “I was wrong.” Using a few Technic parts to achieve a certain effect while building the latest iteration of Starlord’s Milano is one thing, but building an entire kit from this stuff is an anyeurism in a box.
Oh, and let’s say a word about how the parts are packaged. In modern, “System” LEGO kits, you get your parts sealed in plastic bags. The bags are numbered, and each bag corresponds to a given part of the instructions. In other words, the instruction tell you to get bag number 1, and the parts in that bag are what you use for the next section of the build. In Technic, they say, “Haha no” and the parts are bagged using a formula only LEGO and the masochistic bastard that runs the bagging machine knows (I will find you). Any given section of the build would use parts from no less than 3 bags, usually 5. You know what’s fun? Looking in a bag of black struts and trying to differentiate the one that is slightly longer than the other 30 in there. I understand that Technic is meant for advanced builders; the Elite, as it were, but making you search 7 bags for parts 3 times on each page of the manual does not introduce difficulty, it introduces tedium. And migraines.
While we are on the subject of migraines, let’s talk about detail. So much detail. All the detail. Detail that made me go “Why, god, why ?” Look at the photo above, see that big rear section? In the concept, this is where the engine is housed, and also acts as a counter-weight to large loads. Over an hour was spent building the support chasis for that. Why, you ask? Because in case of large loads extended high and out, the rear section actually slides back on rails to provide greater counter-balance. Cool, huh? Except this is a concept vehicle that does not exist and also LEGO and will never carry loads. Oh, and let’s not forget the insane detail you build and then permanently cover up! Same rear section, on the sides, you build out what is meant to be the engine housing. It has transparent pieces for off and on lights, all sorts of greebling**, and you even add some decals to complete the looks. Then, you build the outer hull that covers it up. Forever. The hull does not have hinges, does not open.
And then, and then! You have to do it all over again for the left side.
I should probably mention here that all of this is entirely my fault. For my first foray into Technic, I maybe should have have picked from one of the many options that are a third the size and complexity. No, no, I had to get the big one. In my defense:
Robot.
The build took place over two days — separated into 3 sessions to stave off divorce proceedings — of about 2 hours each, and took years off my life expectancy. At one point, in an effort to open the sealed plastic bag encasing a hydraulic control strut (srsly), my hand slipped and knocked over the tray where I was keeping the very large selection of small connectors. I watched, horrified, as it rained blue, red and gray platsic. I couldn’t even scream, because it was bedtime and if I had awakened my 4 year old son I would be writing this from either a hospital bed or, far more likely, a morgue drawer. For the remainder of the build, I had a series of panicked “missing part” moments followed by frantic searching and weeping. I found parts deep in the carpet, under a bookcase, and hiding on top of books; nestled diabolically behind the edge of the binding where they would not be seen.
Eventually, after trials at which Odysseus himself would surely have rolled his eyes and heaved a great sigh, I finished. I was triumphant. I was tired.
In all seriousness, this was fun. The finished model was well worth the effort. I stand by my comments on the parts bagging. Fuck that.
*Anyone who wants to challenge my all-caps usage,@ me!
** Look it up